Mother's Day

Arise and Shine for the glory of the Lord has risen among you!  Isaiah 60:1

Today my son graduates from TACP school.  My heart overwhelmed with my God's great faithfulness.  A year ago, my oldest son went to basic training and my heart was so heavy for him.  A young man looking for something that he would hopefully find in his new career choice.  Then there were the obstacles, battles and now triumphs.  In January, I was a little weighted down with the many life events occurring in 2018. They were all so grand and miraculously amazing...However, a lot of changes.  

I found myself on my knees, fasting and praying for my children.  I heard the Lord tell me to, "take care of his children and He would take care of mine!"  This came after an invitation to go on a Mission Trip to the Dominican Republic.  I knew that the Lord would take care of my children as I went where he commissioned me to go.  

Here I am in one state while my son is in another.  He is graduating today and my heart bursts with joy that he has accomplished something he set his mind and will to do.  Momma's prayers and tears were hidden in the secret...but yet, my Pappa saw them.  He heard them...and now I get to taste of the fruit of them as I see my son move forward in his life goals.  

You may be wondering..."why aren't you there to celebrate this life event with him?"  Yes, very good question....Originally, he had given us two dates...He wasn't sure so we went with the later date.  I booked my plane tickets and hotel....A few days later, we were given the other date.  Problem was...I booked through a third party that charges fees to change or cancel your flight plans.  The airline that the third party booked through also charged outrageous fees to change or cancel.  With that in the back of my thoughts, my youngest son, who wanted to attend his junior prom, informs me that prom is on the same day his brother's graduation is.

A mother's love...how can it be at both places at the same time physically.  I'm at both places in heart, mind, thoughts, prayer and in spirit.  Practically, however, I have to stay back and celebrate the joys of junior prom with my youngest son.  It's also a monumental moment in his life.  The tickets were booked for the day after due to original date given, so looks like I will miss graduation but get to celebrate dress up, flowers, pictures and promenade.  I'm super excited for both of my boys.  

I am amazed at the Lord's faithfulness.  My children have grown and I am so blessed to call them my own.  The Lord has truly made his face to shine upon them and their lives.  My youngest daughter is graduating from college next week.  Buying a house and getting married all within months.  Life moves so quickly and it truly is but a vapor.  You blink and you may miss every single monumental moment if you're not watching and waiting and paying close attention.  

My greatest joy in life has been the high call of being a mother.  I didn't have a role model.  My mother was incapable of taking care of herself, let alone me.  I paid the price for her pain and her sins...I cried out to the Lord to teach me to be a mother.  I failed miserably many times, but God's grace was truly sufficient.  As I watch my children enter into adulthood, I am so grateful that the Lord has been the foundation of their life.  I am so thankful that Holy Spirit walked with me and guided me as I cried out for wisdom on what to do and how to do it.  He generously would pour wisdom into me and direct my steps.  

Recently, I was watching the testimony of Justin Beiber's mom.  Something that she said has become a meme over my heart.  'I am not perfect but I am faithful!'  It's so true.  As long as we rise up when we fall...As long as we admit our weaknesses and failings and let God be our strength and cover us with his mighty love and redeem us with His blood, we will press on from glory to glory.

I am about to enter a new realm of blessing and that's becoming a grandma to my oldest daughter and son-in-love's son.  My heart swells each time I think of kissing his sweet cheeks and looking into his eyes and being able to say, 'my sweet grandson, I fell in love with you before I even knew you.'  My father is so faithful!  He's so gracious, good and loves me so much more than my mind can even fathom.  

I pray blessings and abundant unconditional love and mercy to flow out upon each momma reading this.  When you feel drained...call upon His name.  When you feel like you've failed, ask Him to come and teach you how to get through each step...each moment...each second...His love covers us in our failings...

Perfect love cast out fear.  His love is perfect. (1 John 4:18).  I believe the Lord has given us the incredible honor of parenting us to teach us of UNCONDITIONAL love.  Think about it.  The love that abounds from your heart to your children...There is nothing they could do that would make me stop loving them.  Our father loves us more than that!  MORE!  He's given us this DEEP love for our children.  In that deep love, there's a covering of failing and failures.  It's a covering that says, 'get up...my love...you can do this...it's OK...it's not over...one step at a time...my love will cover you and we will get through this!'  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

What is true love?  1 Corinthians 13.  In that love is where you will typically find a mother...a father...loving their children...I didn't experience that with my own mother and father...Only a few people I can name has loved me like that...But I know that my father in heaven does.  The Lord teaches us in the areas that we cry out for help in.  

Psalm 27:10-14

Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
¹¹ Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.

¹³ I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

I am so blessed that I got to be a full time stay at home mom.  The investment of that life is treasures stored in heaven.  Thank you, Lord for my treasures...My children.  Bless them and teach them your ways...Bless the moms out there who feel like they are failing...Be their strength.  Pour wisdom out upon them and show them the things that they do not know.  We love you Lord and we ask to continue making us in your image...filling us with your great love...teaching us to love recklessly...and unconditionally.  Bless our children and our children's children for 1000 generations, Father with your exceedingly great love.  (Exodus 20:6)

Joshua wearing camo...wow, surprising!  NOT!  Jake loving that his big brother is talking to him!  Wasn't this yesterday?  It couldn't have been 17 years ago....Seriously, I must have blinked to long!

What Does Father's Day Mean to Me?

⁷Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.  Isaiah 61:7

Tomorrow is Father's Day and I ponder and reflect what that means to me.  There's so many lanes of thought I could travel as I think of the word, "Father."  Since I love to search the deep hidden things, just for fun, let's see how the dictionary defines the word.

You must be clued into the fact that if I have to go to the definition of father to the dictionary, I must not really have an understanding of what the word means experientially.

My mother and father were married when I was born.  They THOUGHT I was a honeymoon baby.  However, when I came three months early and was born at 6 pounds, 9 ounces, something didn't quite make sense to my father.  I was healthy.  For a 'preemie' I had nothing wrong with me.

Needless to say, things didn't stay in honeymoon phase for very long.  My father had so many wounds in his heart, he couldn't love my mother the way she needed.  He didn't love himself!  Affairs, drama, abuse, etc....I was a neglected, malnourished, abandoned baby who laid in my crib alone and crying with parents who could barely take care of themselves, let alone care for me.

As the story goes, my father couldn't take seeing me being so grossly neglected any longer, so he decided he would kidnap me and give me to his sister to raise.  He would be known to me as my uncle.  I was two years old.  Several weeks into this new identity of mine, my mother summoned my father to bring me back so she could get pictures taken of me.  Whether he missed her, or felt guilty, he brought me to her and then her family kidnapped me back with violence from his family.

This action progressed to court.  As the judge began to proceed over custody, my father was told, you cannot have her, SHE IS NOT YOURS!  My father was so broken prior to this announcement, he couldn't not fight any longer and pretty much walked away.  For some reason, he still paid child support.  As I grew, that $10 a month was a secret letter of love to my rejected heart.

My mother and father could not stay away from each other.  Bloody, broken and bruised, they continually found themselves back together.  Days turned into years and now I'm four years old.  In that time, my mother conceived another child to another man and for some reason, stuck to my father's last name.  Now there were three of us with his last name and we were all drowning in IDENTITY crisis!

We lived in the projects when I was four years old and my mother was waiting for my father to call.  She was soaking in the tub and when he called, she grabbed a towel, ran down the wooden steps to answer the phone only to find herself in a hospital.  She had fallen, cracked her skull and now had a new label:  Chemically unbalanced.

More time went by and my neglect, abuse, and abandonment only worsened.  You name it, they abused me, sexually, physically, verbally, mentally. 

A vivid memory of my father was when I was five years old...I was so excited that I got to see my daddy.  He worked at Hills Department Store.  My grandma was taking me to see him.  I missed him so much!  See, no one ever said, "He's not your father!"  He was all I knew of a father.  The moment my feeble legs hit the marble floor of the department store, they didn't stop running to get to my daddy.  I ran until his arms grasped my small frame and he picked me up and spun me around, holding me high in the air.  For a fleeing moment, I felt loved, wanted, and secure. 

How quickly that moment faded back into my normal dark life.  Void of love and protection, nurture, and security.  I did not get to see my Father again, that I can remember, until I was reintroduced to him at 19 years old.  I would sing songs of my daddy coming to rescue me from the horrific life I knew.  He never came.  My mother spoke very highly of my father, so she added to my love tank of my father.  When she spoke of him, it was in high regards.

My mother, however, began having mental breakdowns when we lived in the projects after she had fallen down the steps.  Every season, brought change...She would land in the mental hospital at least two times a year.  She would become religious and begin dressing weird, writing weird, talking weird, and became a threat to me and society.  The first time Schizophrenia took over her, she dressed me up as Joseph, my baby sister up as Jesus and herself as Mary.  We went through the projects telling anyone and everyone who would listen that the world was coming to an end!  Flashing lights, pandemonium, chaos, and drama, ended that night with a white, tight jacket being placed on her arms and she being driven away in an ambulance. 

That night marked a new darkness for me in my young life.  Not only did she get admitted to the Mental Hospital for months on end, I was forced to go visit her.  No father to cover and protect me.  No one to shield me from the other mental patients that would say things to me and look at me with darkness in their eyes.  Trauma after trauma...drama after drama.  When I should have been drawing pictures for my mom to put on her refrigerator because I was a little girl exploring creativity, I was denied that, I had to accept her drawings and creations she would make for me while she stayed at the mental hospital. 

One visit, she even introduced me to 'Jesus.'  I didn't like Jesus.  He was creepy and dark.  I wanted nothing to do with Jesus.  My childhood was like this moment.  Moment after moment....days after days, months after months, year after year.

Father's Day meant NOTHING to me!  I would watch other children with their father's and I just didn't understand why I wasn't worthy of a Father's Love.

I went through a Healing Group and in it we were to list only five people who taught us love...both good and bad.  Out of the five people, only two taught me love...my grandma and my sister.  My mother's love was void for me.  She continually blamed me for this life she found herself in.  My father abandoned and rejected me.  My grandfather molested me.  People that should have been safe were not.  People that should have covered and protected me only added insult to injury.  I only knew abuse from men.  There was not one man in my early childhood that was a safe place for me.  NOT ONE!

When I was 12, my mother was in the middle of another mental breakdown and she decided in her instability that it was time to tell me my TRUE identity.  My father was not my father and some other man was!  Gosh, talk about being thrown into a deep dark unending pit of despair.  Any tiny bit of security that I found in my last name was suddenly ripped away and all I could ask myself is WHY?  I never asked to be born!  Why was I born?  Why me?  Why doesn't anyone love me?  Why am I so unlovable?  My mother and grandma always had told me that I could see my daddy again when I was 18.  I never understood why I had to wait until I was 18.  Even in the midst of my new identity crisis, he still paid his $10 a month.  That $10 was a continual seed of love into my life.  We didn't have money.  We lived in extreme poverty.  $10 was a lot of money to me then.  If this man, who my mom claimed to not be my 'real' father wasn't my biological father, he surely sowed into my life financially.  It spoke a silent love to me in ways I cannot explain.

At 19, my daddy's parents were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.  I had hope rising in my broken heart that I would get to see him there...he didn't show.  I was so disappointed.  I was in the bathroom and one of my cousins came into the bathroom and we began talking.  She knew my dad's address and gave it to me.  I wrote him a letter and guess what?  He responded back! He wrote back!  He told me I could come see him in Florida!  I was on the plane to see him within months. 

I wasn't a Christian at that time and things were up and down when I visited him, his wife and two sons.  But I got to hug my daddy and tell him how much I loved him.  We began a relationship for the first time in my 19 years and my dreams began coming true.  I had my daddy back in my life and he loved me. 

I got saved at 21, got married at 21 and my father gave me away at my wedding.  This was something that as a little girl, I had dreamt about....my daddy giving me away at my wedding!  The Lord was restoring broken dreams to me.  My father stayed a part of my life until shortly after I had my first child.  He was told to chose between me and his family.  He told me I was secure in my new life and that his sons needed him more that I did.  He walked away again!  Once again, rejected by my father! 

Long story short....my father took his life about six years ago!  My mother took her life almost 19 years ago!  When my father died, I went to his funeral as an outcast.  I was a part of the crowd.  Not many people even knew who I was.  A woman turned around and asked me how I knew Bill.  I started crying and my sister said, "SHE WAS HIS DAUGHTER!"  I watched the 21 gun salute and the honor the military gave to him at his funeral.  I was disowned, dishonored, rejected, abandoned, and hid in the shadows as his wife, son, and my aunts and uncles sat in the front rows. 

Pain I cannot describe overcame me that day!  'Daddy, why did you do this?  All I ever wanted from you was love!  Why couldn't you love me?'  I went to my piano and began to write a song to my father.  It laid my heart at rest!  It pretty much sums up all that truly matters in my life.

I'm gonna leave you with that video.  But before I do, Abba, has become my father!  He has loved me, accepted me, treasured me, valued me, adopted me and never has forsaken me or left me.  He has healed my broken heart and restored unto me all the shame, guilt, condemnation, rejection that others have heaped upon me.  His love has taught me to walk in unconditional love and continual forgiveness...His love has taught me to love the unlovable and run to him when others are void of loving themselves.  To my Abba Father, I say....I love you, Pappa God!  Happy Father's Day!  To  both of my fathers in heaven...I love you!  I forgive you!  One day, we will have that relationship I always wanted; perfect love cast out all fear!  Love truly does cover ALL!

The Seasons Change, do you?

Arise and Shine for the glory of the Lord has risen among you - Isaiah 60:1

I am in an expanse of time where the seasons are changing.  I can feel the change.  I can sense things are changing.  Depending on the approaching season, is the level of excitement or sadness.  I do not look forward to the winter season one little tiny bit.  I don't like cold.  I don't like being barricaded inside a building with no fresh air or warm breezes for months upon months.  When fall turns into winter, I am not impressed or excited at all.  Winter is death.  It's silence.  It's barrenness.  It's isolation. It's darkness.  It's stale and cold. 

There's such an excitement inside of me when I begin to see the signs of the winter season turning into spring.  I begin to see and hear the birds sing new songs.  I begin to see the hard, frozen ground thaw.  You see garbage and trash under bushes that became temporary freezers hiding away all the wind blown debris.  I even welcome picking up the garbage and throwing it away.  There is such a hope and thrill knowing that my flowers will soon bloom and trees will sprout life buds. 

When spring turns into summer there's not too much of a change.  The days get hotter and the nights cooler.  The sun shines brilliantly and gardens are in full blossom.  Summer is so perfect.  Stormy nights and rainbows and butterflies and hummingbirds are a few of my favorite visitors of summer.  Knowing the ocean is roaring and the sand is hiding away tiny treasures of shells and vivid colors of sea glass is a blissful notion.  Favorite fruits and vegetables are abundant and the smell of tanning lotions and citronella candles tickle my nostrils. 

Although fall is so beautiful displaying amazing colors of harvest, there is also a sadness that comes upon me; knowing that my favorite days will soon be passing.  I love the bountiful blessings that autumn brings, but it's truly bittersweet because I know that darkness, coldness, and death of everything I love is knocking on the door of change. 

Here I am in a season of change.  I believe I'm in a season of springtime.  I am seeing sprouts of newness all around me.  I see the former things that were dead and cold quickly waning.  It's like March in my season I'm in.  March is very up and down.  You may have an 80 degree day one week and the next week 24 inches of snow.  You tread through March really not knowing what to expect.  That is the season I am in.  You venture into March with hope and dread.  Sometimes, March feels like forever...March Madness...is this month EVER gonna end.  So tired of winter and death....so over it all, yet looking forward to the hope of newness...Up and down days...some days feel amazing other days like they will never end.  I try to focus on the sunshine...some days the clouds cover it victoriously.  Other days, the brilliance of the warmth of it's radiant beams disperse the clouds and skies are blue and clear. 

I try to stay full of hope...Hopeful...I want to be so saturated with the warmth of God's love that no bitter frozone could touch the fiery passion of His presence in my life.  Some days I need to throw alittle accelerant on the blaze of my love for him...When I keep my focus on the one who will walk with me through every change....when I do not look to the left or to the right and Know that this too will pass, I am strengthened enough to open my bible and read His promises. 

My God is for me.  He is never against me.  He will never leave me.  He will never forsake me.  He is always good.  He is always God.  He changes not.  Even though seasons change, He does NOT change.  Even though my emotions change, my circumstances change, my life changes....God DOES NOT CHANGE. 

Change is a really good thing.  Change is necessary!  Change is important.  We are transformed from glory to glory.  If we did not change, we would stay the same...When things remain the same, dormancy occurs...complacency happens...passivity is all around.  Could you imagine if life suddenly became like Ground Hog's Day?  Every morning you woke up, you were stuck in winter and nothing progressed forward!  O Please Jesus, wake me up from that horrible dream now!

This is a movie so we can look at it like being stuck in the same season over and over and over would have benefit to it...but that's Hollywood.  Changing of seasons is important.  Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result. As I am in this season of change, I want to be one that will be ready IN season and OUT of season.  I want to be one that has FRUIT available in the winter season and in the HARVEST season.  I want the Lord to use my life and the transformations of my days for his glory...So, I chose to embrace the changes that are fast approaching.  I will look forward and know that God holds my days in His hands.  He wants the best for me...So as one season is ending and another beginning, I hold fast to my faith and say, "Lord, I trust you through it all!"

"Choose to call out to God and Worship Him in the midst."

Father,
I thank you for strengthening me through this process of change.  I want to be a vessel useful for your glorious works...So do what you need to do in me to prepare me for the next season of my life.  I pray you are glorified in all I do.  You are good!  You are faithful!  You are the same today, yesterday and forever.  You change not.  Even though I change and transform from glory to glory, you do not change.  You are reliable...You are dependable...You are my hiding place.  You are my refuge.  You are my ever present help in the time of need and I know that you will work all things out for my good.  Thank you God for being so good to me.  I love you!

Proverbs 8 - Fear of the Lord

Arise and shine for the glory of the Lord has risen among you.  Isaiah 60:1

Sometimes I feel as though life is walking on a tight rope.  It's a fine line between pleasing the flesh and pleasing God.  Lines sometimes blur and the road narrows.  Once I gave my life fully over to Jesus, I never, ever wanted to look back.  I was so depressed and hopeless.  I couldn't see very far in front of me.  Everything was dark and chaotic.  Every decision I made at that time seemed to only lead downward...and I couldn't stand without falling.  I didn't know how to pray.  I didn't have anyone pointing towards the light.  We were all in the dark.  That was all we knew.  So when the light of Jesus' love came shining down like a beacon of hope, I never wanted to ever not walk in that light. 

Life has been so far from perfect since that day I surrendered my life to Jesus...but let me tell you something...It has been so much more full of hope, peace, joy, light and love.  I had to battle to get to where I am now.  I had to fight.  I had to fight my fleshly desires of longing for destructive behaviors.  It was how I was conditioned to live.  It was all I knew...As Holy Spirit shined his search light into the deep places of my insides...my heart...my brokenness.  I had to choose whether or not I would give him those parts or I would remained ashamed, hidden and condemned in those deep, dark places. 

How much we want to be healed and set free is always our own choice.  When I decided to stop smoking.  I had to fight that demon of addiction.  I had the power of choice.  When I decided to stop drinking.  I had to chose...I had to fight that demon of addiction.  When the enemy would torment me over past pains and aches...I had to fight the accusations and lies that would have led me right back into that dark world.  See, we have the power of choice.  We can chose this day whom we are gonna serve.

We don't realize that everyday is a battle.  It's a battle for our souls.  God has a destiny for our lives and so does the prince of this world.  The flesh loves the comforts that the prince of this world offers.  Instant gratifications.  Instant pain relief...Instant fixes...Instant releases from tormenting thoughts....Instant pleasure...Instant fulfillment...Both with the instant empowerments...come a quickly and sudden let down of fulfillment and desires.  We are usually left with more of an emptiness than what we started out with.  We were made for purity.  We were made for commitment, covenant, loyalty, perseverance, righteousness...We are made in the image of the trinity...Father, Son, Holy Spirit.  In Genesis...in the beginning....God said, "Come let US, make man in OUR image..."  So all the potential goodness we read in the word of God is our potential. 

 Even though it may seem we have a bend toward evil desires by succumbing to the lusts of our flesh...We also have a bend towards righteousness and holiness...we are made in the image of Christ.  Our flesh will always be weak...Our spirit will always be willing.  It's a continual battle.  We are in a daily battle.  So the people who say, there is no god....In essence they are bowing down and serving something.  When we serve our addictions, our lusts, our sinful nature...it becomes our lord.  It is our master.  Why do you think so many people say, "I just can't stop.  I just can't quit.  I just can't...."  They have become the slave to the very thing they give into.  Jesus came to show us the pathway to the Light...to step up out of that darkness and even though we become a slave to righteousness...it's so much better than being a slave to sin.  There is hope, peace, love, joy, righteousness, goodness, kindness, every good thing abounds in and around us because we are an open heaven...The kingdom of God is within us.  So even though the darkness surrounds us, we become the light because the light of the world dwells inside of us.

I started this morning asking the Lord what He had for me in scripture and I heard him say this:

Proverbs 8:13-36-  You can read this on your own.  I will put a link to biblegateway.  Proverbs 8

"The FEAR of the LORD is to HATE evil!  Pride and ARROGANCE and the evil way and the Perverted speech I hate."  The fear of the Lord is also the beginning of wisdom.  Proverbs 8 is talking about the benefit of Wisdom.  It will protect us and guide us in our life.  Because everything starts with knowing that in the darkness, God still sees you...JESUS is the LIGHT of the World.  So you cannot hide from God.  Scripture says that even if you go to SHEOL (HELL) you cannot hide from him.    I see so much pain on the faces of such beautiful creations...God's lost sons and daughters and my heart hurts for them.  Because stubbornness, pride and arrogance keeps them separated from God's love.  They chose darkness over the light because of pride...Pride comes before a fall...That pride puffs up and it's not love.  The prince of this world...wanted to BE god...He wanted to ASCEND higher than God's throne...He became so full of pride and arrogance.  That is why this verse is saying the fear of the Lord is the hatred of Evil.  Pride and arrogance and perverted speech are the fruit of who people are bowing down to.  It's the evidence of the god with a little 'g' they are serving. 

There is another way.  It's a way that leads to life.  It's to walk in wisdom.  It's to surrender to the one that loves us more than we could ever possibly know or understand.

The specific scripture I heard the Lord say to dwell on this morning was Proverbs 8:15.

Wisdom is saying, "By me kings reign, and rulers decree justice!"

God seats us in heavenly places to rule and reign with him in justice and righteousness...We have royalty in our blood....We are made in the image of the king of kings and Lord of Lords.  We just have to surrender everything to God and trust him...Trust him in every detail of our lives...

Father,

We thank you.  We thank you for the hope of your word.  We thank you for the light of Jesus's love that shines into the deep dark places inside of our brokenness and calls us out of darkness into your glorious light.  We thank you that you love us and you want us to walk in all that you created us to walk in.  Father, I pray you strengthen our spirits so we can resist the devil and he will flee from us.  I thank you that you strengthen us to stand up to the fleshly desires that weigh us down and cause us to self-destruct.  I thank you for you love.  I thank you for the blood of Jesus.  I thank you for loving a wretch like me. 

The Greatest Show on Earth

Arise and Shine for the Glory of the Lord has risen among you!  Isaiah 60:1

It's been a while since I've written a blog and I am feeling the nudging of Holy Spirit to begin stirring up that gift inside.  I'm in a new season.  I'm in a fresh season.  The way I heard from Holy Spirit before is different.  I used to remember my dreams.  My sleep patterns have changed a bit and so when I wake up, it's to a dog licking my face abruptly out of my sleep.  I used to have time to ponder and reflect as I slowly woke up from that dream.  So it's not that I'm not dreaming, I'm not retaining memory of the dream.  As I asked the Lord about that, He said, "It's a different season.  It's fresh manna." 

So we have to constantly be receiving from the Lord in fresh ways, unfamiliar ways in each new season.  In this season, I get visions regularly or impressions or pictures.  Then, the Lord will add a deeper understanding of what I'm seeing it and why. 

Yesterday at intercessory prayer, I was tired.  I wasn't 'feeling' it.  I was there, but I wasn't on the same page as the other intercessors.  The majority was ready to war and dance and battle in the spirit for breakthrough.  I just wanted to soak in God's presence and take a nap and hope for a download from heaven.

Pastor Matt was drumming on the drums and others were praying and exposing things being revealed  by Holy Spirit.  I started seeing a three ring circus.

As everyone was decreeing and binding, I was seeing a vision of a Three-Ring Circus.  I asked the Lord, "What does this mean?"  I felt like He said that the church as it is now has become a Three Ringed Circus.  Why Three?  Father, Son, Holy Spirit.  The Ring Master is the one who controls what happens in the church.  He decides how much of Father goes in a ring.  How much, if any, of Holy Spirit can go into another ring.  How much of Jesus can go into another ring.  The church was never meant to become a show for spectators.  People pay to go to the circus.  For what?  Entertainment.  They get to see things they don't see everyday.  They enable the abuse and mistreatment of circus animals all for a laugh, ooo, aww or two. 

I boycotted circuses years ago.  So this vision had even more of a stigma attached to it for me.  Why? you ask?  I am from Hookstown, PA.  Anyone who knows of Hookstown, knows that yearly a huge fair is put on called the Hookstown Fair.  One year, they had a three ring circus at the fair.  I took my children.  I sat there and instead of looking through the eyes of entertainment.  God opened my eyes to see the heart of the animals.  I sat there and watched the elephant trainer make these huge wondrous animals do stupid tricks for people's entertainment.  It broke my heart.  I became completely undone when a huge elephant was very close to me.  As a mother of four small children, my guard was on high alert knowing that there had been a recent stampede in a circus involving the elephants...but I looked into the elephants eyes and I saw her/him crying.  There were literal tears around the elephants eyes.  I felt so sickened in my spirit...Like God, why?  Why? are people so cruel?  Why do we find pleasure in this amazing creature's imprisonment?  Even in reliving this experience, I find tears streaming down my cheeks. 

After that moment of realization that paying these clowns to mistreat elephants and endorse it by coming to circuses for my own entertainment, I boycotted circuses.  This vision about being at a three-ring circus would go against my core beliefs.  So here I am seeing this three ring circus in a vision.  I said, "What else Lord?"  He said His church was never meant to be a three ring circus.  We are made in image of Father, Son, Holy Spirit.  We are not to package it up and sell it.  The church has become something he never designed it to be.  It's chaotic.  It's a bigtime business of selling the ringmaster's puffed up pride.  It's controlled.  It's time allotted.  It's entertaining.  People usually leave church the same way they leave a three ring circus.  Unfulfilled, unchanged, and untouched by Father, Son, or Holy Spirit.  Is the way the church functioning right now working?  NO!  I see more transformation take place when I go out onto the streets to minister.  We are the church...Jesus is the chief cornerstone.  Jesus told Peter that he was the rock on which he would build his church. 

(Matthew 16:18 - "And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it."  The very next verse is what we were literally doing during intercession...We were binding and loosing.  ¹⁹ I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be^[e] loosed in heaven.”

God has given the five-fold ministry to the church.  There should NEVER be a Ring Master containing which show or which part of the trinity to be displayed during the entertainment of church. That's not biblical.  In Ephesians 4, we read.   

 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. ² Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. ³ Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. ⁴ There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; ⁵ one Lord, one faith, one baptism; ⁶ one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. (Ephesians 4:1-6)

Notice how it's all ONE...ONE body...ONE Spirit...ONE Lord.  ONE Faith.  ONE Baptism.  ONE God and Father of all...it's not a circus.  There shouldn't be division and different shows going on...It shouldn't be a place of disorder and chaos.  We are to bear with one another in love.  We are to make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the Bond of Peace.  When something is bonded to another thing...It's like superglue.  Try getting superglue off of your fingers...It's almost impossible.  We are to be superglued to peace.  Is this what most churches look like? 

 Let's look at what the root cause of why most churches are like three ring circuses.  When you have a ring master controlling the environment and displaying shows...the focus is off of their personal lives.  They don't have to be transparent and vulnerable.  They bring in the clowns and displace attention off of their own lives.  That gives permission to stay hidden in their own shame.  They can keep sinning and pull out the grace card and never be exposed because they are too busy entertaining the critics with clowns and chaos.  God wants transparency.  God wants vulnerability.  We are to confess our sins one to another.  So then in exchange, the ringmaster will put the attention on the abused and wounded.  That empowers them to feel elevated and above others.

We need to let go of our past.  How?  We need to be real.  We need to deal.  We need to confess, repent and receive the true forgiveness of Holy Spirit.  Holy Spirit will wash away our muck and junk.  The blood of Jesus redeems, restores, and cleanses us.  What does shame do to the church?

Let's talk about the abuse of the animals in the circus.  These animals are wild.  They are meant to live in freedom.  They were never meant to learn how to entertain in a circus.  They are wild and are to be free.  So let's look at us.  We are the same.  God created us to be wild and free.  Holy Spirit comes down and tongues of fire appear.  Demons flee, blind eyes open, deaf ears hear, mute speak, limp leap and salvations cause the angels in heaven to rejoice.  This is wild!  It's not chaotic.  It's freedom.  It's what the church is to look like.  Does it?  No!  Why?  ABUSE

"Abuse creates shame.  An abused child feels powerless.  Abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, or even spiritual.  If the child seeks help and does not get it, they may decide that it is them who has done something wrong; I caused this, I did something to make this happen.  Shame will grow from this simple lie!" -Sarah McDowell.

Shame may be transmitted directly through words spoken.  Did you ever hear any of the following?  "Everything was fine until you came along!"  "You're no good!"  "You're just like your father!  You'll never amount to anything!"  "Can't you do anything right?"  "Don't you have any sense?"  "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!"  "Shame on You!"  "It's your fault."

This is chaotic.  This is confusion.  This is cursed word!  This is how shame comes and what happened in the garden when Adam and Eve ate of the tree of good and evil?  They became ashamed.  They hid from God.  See this three ring circus creates an environment where you can hide from God and never have to deal with your shame that was placed on you through blame and accusation. 

Let's read from Ephesians 4 again, picking up at verse 7.

⁷ But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. ⁸ This is why it says:

“When he ascended on high, he took many captives and gave gifts to his people.”

⁹ (What does “he ascended” mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions? ¹⁰ He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.)

¹¹ So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, ¹² to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up ¹³ until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

¹⁴ Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. ¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶ From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

See, we were never meant to be a three ring circus.  We are to become the body of Christ.  ONE heart....ONE MIND....ONE Body!  ONE SPIRIT!  There should never be a ring master....

We were given the five fold gifts....1.  Apostles, 2.  Prophets, 3.  Evangelists, 4.  Pastors, 5. Teachers.

Why?  So the body of Christ may be built up...NOT TORN DOWN!

Father,
We repent of discord.  We repent for allowing your church to become a three ring circus.  We repent, Father, for coming to church to watch a show.  We repent for allowing one man or woman to be elevated to a place of idolatry over you.  We repent for making the church a money making business.  We repent for watching and being entertained as abused ones are not set free to be who you created them to be.  Father, forgive us.  We ask that you cover us with the blood of the lamb.  We ask Holy Spirit that you come in power and in might and refresh and revive the church.  Awaken your bride, O God.  Awaken your church.  Open our eyes to see.  Open our ears to hear.  Awaken our hearts, O God!  We thank you and praise you in Jesus name.

Ephesians 5:13-17