I am loved!
I am cherished!
I am valued!
I am His treasure!
I just finished a four-week Grief Group. I attended because I want to learn all I can about Counseling. It's amazing how God sets you up when you think you're ok. One week, we had to draw a timeline of our lives and make lines on it according to traumas we have experienced. I look at the Facilitator with a blank face; 'like for real?' My entire childhood will have line after line after line on the timeline, starting at birth. I look around and everyone has started. I pick up the sharpie and begin drawing my lines. Line after line after line after line. It started at birth. My grandma told me that the first time she met me, I was a few weeks old. My mom was 18 and had secrets hiding in her heart. She couldn't handle the newborn cries. My grandma said she began shaking me to make me stop crying. My grandma scolded her...but who knows...only God knows how many times she used this method to shake me quiet. We now know this is called "Baby Shaking Syndrome."
That was the first line at birth. The second line was when I turned two years old. My mom and dad were separated. My dad kidnapped me. My mom and grandma didn't know what else to do to get him to return me...They tricked my dad. He returned me...They went to court and in the custody hearing, my father was told that he wasn't really my father. Heartbroken, he left me. He left me with her. A broken young single mother who couldn't handle a lively, active two year old. The traumas...The neglect. The shame. The loneliness. The abandonment. The rejection. The abuse...This was age 2. We will stop there. I'm sure you are getting a very clear picture of how the timeline looked.
Every year of my childhood, I experienced trauma after trauma after trauma. As I continue the timeline onto adult life, I began realizing something about my life. I lived with an Expectation of Abuse. I expected abuse. I expected pain. I expected rejection. I expected abandonment. I expected neglect. It's all I had ever known. It was my life. When I gave my life to Jesus, I began to realize I really was loveable to him. I really was acceptable to him. I really meant something to him. He really did love me. He really did cherish me. He really did accept me just the way I was. He didn't expect anything but my love in return. Those who are forgiven of much, love much. I love Jesus so much. He truly loved me back to life. I was dead. I walked around pretty much like a zombie before his love redeemed my life and restored my soul. Still, that expectation of abuse shadowed me in the light of his love. He became everything I had always longed for in my life. He was my Abba Pappa. He adopted me through the spirit of adoption (Romans 8).
He's so faithful to me. He's so gracious and loving. He's so close and merciful. He's so good! He truly did heal my heart. He restored me. He redeemed me. His love overwhelmed me and I truly did become a new creation. My prince charming had come and with one tender kiss of his grace, mercy, acceptance, and unconditional love...I awoke as his Sleeping Beauty.
Ivan Allum prayed for me several years ago and I truly believe this word is manifesting in my life right now. I am writing the vision and making it plain (Habakkuk 2:2). When life doesn't turn out the way you planned and you are so disappointed in yourself. You begin to feel like a failure. Sometimes, you make choices and those choices have lasting consequences that you have no control over. You have to trust God and let him finish writing your story. He is the author of my life. He is faithful to complete the good work he began in me (Philippians 1:6). Sometimes, he gives us pages to our books of destiny. This word is a page out of my life scroll. I'm so thankful that the Lord speaks life into our broken-heartedness, filling us with hope and faith to believe the winter season will end and spring is right around the corner! Jesus, I love you. Romance me, King of Kings...Dance with me, lover of my soul. I am yours...You are mine. Your banner over me is love!
Dear, I want you to know this, “You have NOT failed! You have carried something inside
of you for a long time. You’ve felt
like, “God, there’s been a failing in my life.
And the Lord says, “You have NOT failed!” You know what amazes me in all of that? You have been an absolute giver of
life to people around you. You have been
a lady that has spoken the best over people. You have been a lady that has spoken
life over people. You have been a lady that has given love away. And the
Lord says, “Well done, but the Lord says, now, it’s going to be time for
you to reap of that harvest; amen” You’re
going to feel those things and for the first time in a long, long time you’re
going to feel that passion of God inside of you. You know, you’re gonna start waking up
with the butterflies. You know the
butterflies of when you feel you’re loved.
You know you’re gonna have butterflies when you love someone else but
when you feel those butterflies feeling when you’re loved.
You know when that emotion rises up inside of
you because you know that there’s some guy that is pursuing you because of who
you are not because of what you are but because of who you are. You know when he’s pursuing you because he
says you know I just wanna be with you.
No more, no less. I just wanna be
your protector. I just want to stand
around you. You know those butterflies. You know the butterflies that come with
absolute romance. Yeah, you’re gonna feel those butterflies. You know just like that young lady in the Song
of Solomon when she would tell her friends have you seen my lover. You know she’d explain this guy and you know she
was so in love with him they couldn’t understand who she was talking
about. By the time they caught up to her
revelation, she had another revelation of who he was. You know dear, you’re gonna walk in that;
amen.
Put me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, Jealousy is as severe as Sheol; Its flashes are flashes of fire, The very flame of the LORD. Raging water cannot extinguish love, and rivers will never wash it away. If a man exchanged all his family's wealth for love, people would utterly despise him. (Song of Solomon 8:6-7)
I will pursue you, Lord. I will pursue your presence. I want to just be with you, Lord. I just want to be in your presence. Your love...your love overwhelms my heart. The blaze of your gaze consumes me. The fiery flames of your passionate love burns away my ugliness and leaves me radiant and glowing. Overshadow me with your love and your glory. Here I am, Lord. Here I surrender all my pain. I surrender all my brokenness. I surrender all my disappointment and traumas. I surrender all that holds me back from you! Have your way in my life. The winter is passing...o springtime is coming. You've captured my heart. Forever, it's yours!
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